World's Oldest Seed Makes World's Oldest Man Jealous

Scientists recently grew a palm tree, dubbed "The Methuselah Tree", from a 2000 year old seed. This was surely disappointing news to the world's oldest man, Tomoji Tanabe, who at 113 is a massive 1887 years younger than this amazing seed.

Pictured: Four ancient date seeds and one hit of science-grade acid.

The team of scientists fervently worked to revitalize the seed by treating it with hormone laced fertilizers (this method was also tried with the world's oldest man, with a lesser degree of success) and were able to stimulate the seed to germinate and grow a stunning 1.5m palm tree (is a plant that size technically a shrubbery?). However, there is good news for Mr. Tanabe: according to the researchers "It will be another couple of years before they know whether the plant can bear fruit", while Mr. Tanabe has borne children.


Tanabe, when asked how long he wanted to live on his 112th birthday remarked "for infinity", however he revised his statement this year to "another five years or so". The Methuselah Tree, while unlikely to live for eternity, will almost certainly sustain for at least another five years. But this grudge match isn't over - despite The Methuselah Tree's advantages in both advanced age and robust response to hormone therapy, it lacks the vigor to defend itself from a physical altercation with Tanabe. Hopefully it will be televised on Pay-Per-View. Right: Tanabe subjugates the mayor of his town with a bone-crushing grip.

World's Oldest Person, Edna Parker (115) had no comment on The Methuselah Tree.