Engrish was Yes! Part Nine

For number-one best t-shirt times, please for looking at pictures!

Once upon a time I lived in Japan. I took pictures of people wearing ridiculous t-shirt slogans. In this series, updated weekly, I will share them with you.

"Grat $ Itude [cyrillic characters] Dearest"

Understood meaning: No

Click For Entire Engrish Was Yes Series

Because Treating People Like 2nd Class Citizens is OK (in America)

Let me preface this by saying that the fact that we, as a society, do not allow any two people who love each other to marry and obtain equal rights and protection under the law is an affront. An affront.

That marriages of any kind are even an issue astounds me. We have two wars, economic crisis, crumbling infrastructure, foreign oil dependence, global warming, disease pandemics, and genocide, but some (primarily Christian) fundamentalists want to argue about whom gets to marry whom? Ridiculous. Gay marriage isn't an issue of right and wrong - it's a culture war meme strung up the flag pole every time a conservative wants to get elected by the inhabitants of Jesus-land. California's Proposition 8 to ban gay marriage (i.e. promote discrimination based on sexual orientation) is the perfect example of time and resources spent fighting about issues which literally do not matter.

I came across this earlier today:



(found here)

This video shows a mother, horrified at the mere notion of her daughter thinking that it is alright to marry another woman. Because the only thing worse than teaching your daughter acceptance is the chance that (heaven forfend!) she is a lesbian? Better vote 'yes' on 8, mom. (ed: Good thing we all know that good right-wing Christians are never ever homosexuals.)

If we allow gay marriage, then we are admitting that homosexuals are people too. Thus, we would have to teach that any two people who love one another and want to get married can do so, and that this is OK. Who is hurt by this? And how? "Traditional marriage" (the idea of marriage as traditional is laughable as it is; the nuclear family is not an age-old tradition) is not harmed; we're not forcing heterosexuals to have gay marriages, nor does it in some ephemeral way devalue the notion of a heterosexual marriage. All gay marriage does is allow gays to marry. It doesn't make children gay, it doesn't "promote" gay lifestyles (given how much persecution is inherent to homosexuality in our culture, who would, having weighed the pros and cons, "chose" to be gay?). Straight, gay, asexual; it does not matter. We are all people. We all have inalienable rights. The fact that only some people are allowed to legally marry cheapens the institution as a whole. Marriages for all, or marriages for none. Sorry bible-thumpers, hetero-normative privilege doesn't fly anymore.

Internets Was Yes is No on 8.

Engrish Was Yes! Part Eight

For number-one best t-shirt times, please for looking at pictures!

Once upon a time I lived in Japan. I took pictures of people wearing ridiculous t-shirt slogans. In this series, updated weekly, I will share them with you.

"To be positive all the time. About a day. Being innovative make keeping"

Understood meaning: No

Click For Entire Engrish Was Yes Series

Man Has Arm Trapped in Train's Toilet While Retrieving Mobile Phone

A French man made a huge mistake yesterday, when he attempted to retrieve his mobile phone from a train's toilet and became stuck up to his shoulder (don't text and pee, kids).

"Firefighters took more than an hour to free the man, before lifting him from the train on a stretcher with the entire toilet still stuck to his arm." The ordeal left the man both pungent and penitent, as the train was delayed over two hours.

If it were my mobile in a public toilet, I think I'd just write it off as a total loss, but this determined technophile found out the hard way that perseverance does not always deliver a desirable outcome.

This is the Scariest Thing You'll See Today (and Probably Tomorrow)

Maybe its just a really tiny bird?

Cats for Obama

Engrish Was Yes! Part Seven

For number-one best t-shirt times, please for looking at pictures!

Once upon a time I lived in Japan. I took pictures of people wearing ridiculous t-shirt slogans. In this series, updated weekly, I will share them with you.

"The new standard. Ground. Music is global language"

Understood meaning: No

Click For Entire Engrish Was Yes Series

Dear Red States, A letter from the Blue

Found this great letter on best of craigslist from the Blue States to the Red States.
I don't know how I feel about "New California" as the countries name. I am partial to Cascadia. But please read on.

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Letter Continues here.

Nice Helmet

Bulletproof Handkerchief Protects Your Suit Coat

Sluli Recht, a clothing designer in Iceland has created a bulletproof handkerchief to be placed in the breast pocket of a gentleman's sport coat. The kerchief, like many bulletproof items, is made of kevlar and will [supposedly] resist small-arms fire, so long as the bullet is headed directly at your heart. Although Recht takes "NO responsibility for schmucks and wooden-heads who feel compelled to test the endurance or resistance of the textile in any way".

So if you want to know if your bulletproof handkerchief actually stops bullets, you should just hang around rough Icelandic neighborhoods (wearing your suit, of course) long enough to get shot while wearing it. And for the love of god don't use it; I hear mucus really reduces the tensile strength of kevlar.

Only ten kerchiefs have been produced so far, selling for 120 Euros (~$240) each, but Recht plans to expand his line of kevlar clothing and accessories.

Lobster For Dinner: Prepping for Halloween

We are having lobster for dinner, Jonathan Swift style.
In A Modest Proposal II, all babies will be dressed like the food it is supposed to emulate.
Kind of like the way tofu is disguised to be meat-like.

This picture, of course, was taken before the "lobster" was boiled alive to perfection.
If you want to dress your kids like delicious foods, you can find their accoutrements at amazon.

If your child is a little older, wait. Do people that read this have kids? I don't even know if that is a demographic we are shooting for.

Anyway, if you know a kid that trick-or-treats, or you want to reminisce about the wonderful world of trick-or-treating, I recommend that you check out 1000 Awesome Things: Strategic Trick-or-Treating.

Here is a sample:

"In terms of where to go trick-or-treating, there’s always a lot of chatter about getting a drive over to the rich neighborhood for the big score. People would have you believe that the rich enjoy lavishing children with unopened boxes of twinkies and full cases of root beer. But that’s a lie! Rich people got rich by being cheap and their massive front yards will just slow you down. That’s right, you’ll be navigating wrought-iron fences, duck-shaped hedges, and koi ponds instead of ringing doorbells. Instead, aim for the new neighborhood with little kids and the all-important densely packed homes.

And if anyone really needs to tell you this. Don't bring this fat baby out for the night. Where are you gonna put all your candy?

The Stadium Pal - Real Sports Fans Pee in Their Pants

Have you ever been at a sporting event and found it so riveting that no matter how urgently you needed to urinate, you couldn't tear yourself away, resulting in the embarrassment of peeing your pants? Is finding a bathroom such a hassle that you'd rather evacuate your bladder into your basketball shorts? Then the Stadium Pal is something you should not be without.

Yes, you can literally pee in your pants while still enjoying all the action of your favorite sport! Using proprietary external catheter technology, the Stadium Pal collects urine and deposits it into a 1000ml reservoir attached to your inner calf, allowing you to slosh about all day with a bag of pee strapped to your leg:
But it's not just for sports; you can pee your pants on long motorcycle rides, at Mardi Gras, NASCAR (not a sport), even on fishing trips. You can pee your pant practically anywhere. I'm peeing right now! Thanks Stadium Pal!

Engrish Was Yes! Part Six

For number-one best t-shirt times, please for looking at pictures!

Once upon a time I lived in Japan. I took pictures of people wearing ridiculous t-shirt slogans. In this series, updated weekly, I will share them with you.

"All The Names I Know."

Understood meaning: Yes

Click For Entire Engrish Was Yes Series

Dirty Car Art By Scott Wade

Scott Wade can do some amazing art work with a brush. But the reason he stands out from the crowd is that he uses his car's rear windshield as a canvas. The detail he is able to capture in dust is quite impressive. And there is nothing quite so zen as creating a work of art that will only last until the next rain.









For more of this great Dirty Car Art, please visit Scott Wade's Gallery.

Rollie Fingers Facial Hair

Rollie Fingers has an amazing mustache. He grew it while he was pitching for the Oakland A's so that he could get a $300 bonus.

Because of his mustache, he was pretty much the best relief pitcher for all of the 1970s.

Because of his mustache, he was a 3 times world series champion.

Because of his mustache, he was inducted into the baseball hall of fame.

Because of his mustache, he owed Wisconsin 1.4 million dollars in back taxes.

Rollie Fingers still maintains the same handlebar amazingness today.

George W. Bush Sewage Plant

It seems a little early to start naming things after still President Bush. However, there are already two notable landmarks that may soon bear his name.

The first, and slightly ironic is the George W. Bush Center For Kids Who Cant Read Good (aka George W. Bush Presidential Library) in Dallas Texas.

The second, and much less prestigious structure to be named after Bush will be San Francisco's Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant.

So far, not a dime has been raised in support or opposition of the proposition, but members of the local Republican Party are working to defeat the measure, and 12,000 people signed a petition to secure its spot on the ballot. [Link]

Incredible Balloon Sculptures by Jason Hackenwerth

Jason Hackenwerth is a visionary genius in the medium of balloons. Never before have I witnessed such utterly incredibly feats of balloonery. Words cannot describe the sheer magnitude and creativity of his artwork:








I would highly recommend checking out more of his work at his website.

10,000 People Rally to Save Iraqi Puppy

Over 10000 people have petitioned the US Army to allow an Iraqi pup rescued by a soldier to come stateside. The soldier who rescued the dog fears "that 'Ratchet' could be killed if left behind". A branch of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has even dispatched a group to fly to the middle east to attempt to retrieve the pooch.

This is an uplifting example of what can be done when people get together, and I'm glad that something is being done to prevent unnecessary suffering. But you know who else is in danger of being maimed or killed by being left in Iraq? American soldiers and the Iraqi people. Over 4000 Americans have been killed in the war so far, let alone civilian casualties. And if 10000 people are willing to rally behind bringing a dog out of Iraq, I like to think that there are thousands more who are ready to get our men and women in uniform home. Support the troops: bring them home now.

Updates Was Yes! 10.20.2008

Ratchet arrived in the US today.

Nebraska's Safe Haven Law: Its Worth The Drive

The best thing to happen to Nebraska's tourism industry is their new safe haven law.

With the new safe haven law, parents may donate a child of any age to the state with no strings attached.  Unlike restrictive state haven laws of other states, you can get rid of one or all of your children in many of their easy drop off locations.

Bring an infant or a 13 year old to a firehouse or a hospital, and walk away. Free and clear.  Also, if you drop your child off at a McDonalds you can get one free item from their dollar menu!

Ridiculous as it may seem.  It is real.  Seriously.  

Today, "A Michigan mother drove roughly 12 hours to Omaha, so she could abandon her 13-year-old son at a hospital under the state's unique safe-haven law, Nebraska officials said Monday.

The boy from the Detroit area is the second teenager from outside Nebraska and 18th child overall abandoned in the state since the law took effect in July."

Nebraska is now changing their motto from "Equality Before the Law" to: "Nebraska: Its worth the drive."

This is an amazing law, and I only see it snowballing from here.  There will be little you can do to stop parents from dropping off kids when they realize how easy it is to drop off their kids.  Even better is the fact that you don't even have to be the parent of the child to drop them off.  WOW!

Hey kids, get in the car!  We are going to Disney World!  

This is funnier than taking them to the dentist.  

Parents and strangers will have at least until January to donate their children to Nebraska.  It does not look like the law will be changing until next year as Nebraskan lawmakers will not call a special session to deal with this problem.

Take advantage of this limited time offer while you can! 

21st Century Folk Art: Capacitor Robot Charms

Obvious Front has been making Capacitor Figures out of electronic components salvaged from discarded TVs, VCRs, and computers since 1982.

These little figures are very clever, and are supposed to help save your computer from crashing.  Obvious Front's Capacitor Figures are also created to help create awareness about all of the e-junk that is being thrown into our landfills.

You can buy a cool little Capacitor Figure from Obvious Front's Etsy storefront, or you can try something a little more rewarding.

This is how I got my Capacitor Figure - Send a really cool piece of Mail Art to:
ObviousFront
PO BOX 1644
Milan, IL 61264 

Now wait a couple of weeks, and you might just get something great back.  If not, I really recommend that you check out their Etsy store for immediate satisfaction.

Engrish Was Yes! Part Five

For number-one best t-shirt times, please for looking at pictures!

Once upon a time I lived in Japan. I took pictures of people wearing ridiculous t-shirt slogans. In this series, updated weekly, I will share them with you.

"INVASION. Dishing compliments is the best way to talk women into doing new things in bed."

Understood meaning: Yes

Click For Entire Engrish Was Yes Series

'Barak Osama' Appears on Hundreds of NY Ballots

In upstate New York hundreds have been sent absentee ballots that read "Barak Osama."  This mix up was blamed on "human error" by the election officials in upstate New York.  

They said, ''It's human error, it's very unfortunate, it's an embarrassment to our office, obviously'' 

This is madness.

How could this in any way be human error?  It is an impossible typo to make, as the 'b' and the 's' keys are separated by two inches and four other letters.

The only human error here was hiring the person who wrote the ballots.  There is no way this was a typographical error.  It is just not possible.  

Was no one proof reading these ballots?  

Fortunately, this mistake was somewhat rectified,

"When they discovered the mistake, officials shredded the remaining ''Osama'' ballots and mailed correct versions to the roughly 300 people who had already received them. McDonough said the ''Osama'' mistake was made in only one of the 13 ballot versions mailed throughout the county, located east of the state capital of Albany." [Link]

Top 5 States That Hate Obama

I have come up with a list of the top 5 states that hate Barak Obama the most. These states have also just become the states that I am least interested in living in.

I am basing this hate-o-meter-super-top-five list on the most recent political polls. The states that give Obama the lowest percentage of potential votes are the ones that I am assuming are full of either the richest 5% of the population, or the lowest 33% of the IQ spectrum.

#5 Nebraska - 35.8 for Obama, and 58.1% for McCain
#4 Wyoming - 32.5% for Obama, and 61% for McCain
#3 Oklahoma - 29.7% for Obama, and 65.7% for McCain
#2 Idaho - 29.5% for Obama, and 62.1% for McCain
#1 Utah - 29.6% for Obama, and 63.9% for McCain

Based on the states I am guessing that it is the lowest 33% of the IQ spectrum.

Now, just for fun, let's look at the 10 states with the fewest African Americans per capita.

#41 Oregon: 1.601 per 100 people
#42 New Mexico: 1.593 per 100 people
#43 New Hampshire: 0.889 per 100 people
#44 South Dakota: 0.795 per 100 people
#45 Utah: 0.774 per 100 people
#46 Wyoming: 0.662 per 100 people
#47 North Dakota: 0.638 per 100 people
#48 Maine: 0.629 per 100 people
#49 Vermont: 0.573 per 100 people
#50 Idaho: 0.427 per 100 people
#51 Montana: 0.227 per 100 people

Now, I am not trying to directly connect the states with the lowest black population with the states that hate Obama the most. And it would be ridiculous to say the only reason they are not voting for Obama is because black people don't live there. But, it is interesting that three of the states with the least support for Obama are on the list with the lowest black population.
I will let you decide why that might be the case.

Golden Gate Bridge to Install Suicide Net

Want to end your life in the most picturesque of ways? Well, your suicide options are dwindling now that the Golden Gate Bridge is becoming jump-proof.

A California panel in charge of the Golden Gate Bridge is going to place a net under the 4,200 foot span of the bridge.

The netting would be set 20 feet below the sidewalk and extend out 20 feet from the bridge. Officials estimate the barrier will cost $40 million to $50 million.

The net installation on the Golden Gate Bridge in response to the 39 confirmed and seven unconfirmed suicide deaths in 2007. There has also been debate over installing a suicide barrier under the bridge since the 1970s.

I am really excited to see the first person this catches. With the net buried in the fog, I am sure it will come as a shock to many jumpers.

I for one think it is great that San Francisco is trying to make itself even more like a circus, with these nets. I embrace it, and so should all trapeze enthusiasts.

Now knowing that the Golden Gate Bridge will become a survivable jump, I am very interested in trying it. I am ready to do it, and I am sure it would be worth the fine! How about you? [link]

I Make My Best Decisions Drunk: Part 2

Internets Was Yes will soon become a blog only about drunk people getting arrested for making awful decisions. Our first example of this was of a man who farted on the police officer while receiving a breathalyzer test - that's assault son!

And today, we learned about another genius drunken decision.

Fargo police said two men were arrested for drunken driving in the same vehicle. Police Lt. Pat Claus said an officer pulled over a 23-year-old man early Thursday morning. Claus said while that man was taking a sobriety test, a 24-year-old passenger got behind the wheel and tried to drive off.

Claus said the passenger was also arrested for drunken driving. Both men were taken to the Cass County jail.

Claus called the case "unique."

Quick! Distract him so I can get away!

I Just Won 7.48 Trillion Dollars

Adnan Oktar, a Turkish creationist, has offered ten-trillion lira ($7,480,000,000,000) to "anyone who produces a single intermediate-form fossil demonstrating evolution."

Booya, muthafugga:
That's right, Oktar, it's the Tiktaalik roseae: A fish who's fossil exhibits, according to these scientists (as well as many evolutionary biologists and my thesis), an intermediate forelimb transitioning between fin and limb. Done. End of debate. Evolution happens.

So can we all, as an enlightened and informed society, stop talking about creationism like it has scientific merit? If any other "scientific" hypothesis had been proven wrong in so many ways, on so many levels, for so many reasons, we would have abandoned it long ago. But for some reason, some people still want to teach this utter garbage to children under the guise of science and fairly representing all opinions? Do we show school-children a globe and then explain that some people think that NASA is lying and that the earth is actually flat? No, we don't, because a flat earth is bullshit. Just like creationism.

If you want to teach your children that the earth is 6000 years old and that Jesus rode dinosaurs, that's fine, but do not expect the rest of us to swallow that tripe, or allow you to indoctrinate the nation's children by it's inclusion in the curriculum.

In conclusion: Science and reason: 1. Bronze-age mythology: 0.

Vladmir Putin Will Judo-Chop You

Vladmir Putin, Russian Prime Minister, reared his head once again today by releasing an instructional Judo video to celebrate his birthday.



The 56 year-old is not only a Judo champion, but a former KGB agent, tiger tracker, advanced skiier, and fisherman. Suffice to say, he could probably kick your ass.

"In a bout, compromises and concessions are permissible, but only in one case - if it is for victory." He tells viewers in the video.

I can only assume that his next move will to one-up Sarah Palin's hunting of wolves from a helicopter by entering the Alaskan wilderness (he can see it from his house) with nothing but a flint knife and a loincloth, returning a week later wearing a fine collection of pelts as the Alpha of his own pack of feral wolves.

I Prefer My Vodka from a Crystal Skull

Are you unaffected by the worldwide economies imploding upon themselves like dying neutron stars, coalesced by the gravitational pull of unyielding avarice? Are you also bat-shit insane and out of other ways to waste money? Well you're in luck - now you can have Dan Aykroyd-approved ultra-premium vodka served out of a crystal [ed: glass, actually] skull:



If you couldn't make it through all eight minutes of infomercial, here's the punch line: They literally filter the liquor through diamonds before placing in the replica skull. That's right: Drinking Crystal Head Vodka is like imbibing a million creamy, sweet diamonds. Was there even a market for this sort of thing? I think I'll stick with the excellent Bend Distillery for my less-than-ultra-premium vodka enjoyment (although I'm pretty sure you can order a crystal skull martini in their tasting room), but then again I'm not a thrillionaire like Dan Aykroyd.

Roaches and Ants Used For Wallpaper, Rug Design

The top three images are pieces of advertisement using roaches as decor.  First cockroaches on the rug, then tile, then wallpaper.  This is an advertising strategy by "Ridsect, the Roach Trap."  It is a genius idea, though I do not think it will work for all demographics.  The last two items are ants as an ant'tique wallpaper design.  This is beautiful and clever design at its finest.  It was done by Gampuls Fratesi (image for link).  I would like to see this hit main stream, I want ants for wallpaper.

Strippers Make More Tips While Fertile

Inspired by the Ig Nobel Prizes last week, I had to find out more about strippers. Apparently they make a lot more money while they are fertile.  But all I could find in the AP was, 

Miller, an associate professor of psychology at the University of New Mexico, and his colleagues knew of prior studies that found women are more attractive to men when at peak fertility. So they took the work one step further — by studying earnings of exotic dancers.

In the 18 subjects Miller studied, average earnings were $250 for a five-hour shift. That jumped to $350 to $400 per five-hour shift when the women were their most fertile, he said.

"I have heard, anecdotally, that some lap dancers have scheduled shifts based on this research," he said.

But this information was not nearly enough. I had to learn more about the majestic stripper. So I continued my search of the Internets, and found that Miller had conducted this study almost a year ago, and barely missed the Ig Nobel Prizes last year.

Fortunately, more of his study was published in Psychology Today in October 2007.

Thanks to Millers difficult research, we learn that strippers made about $70 an hour during their peak period of fertility, versus about $35 while menstruating and $50 in between. Also, strippers on the pill only made an average of $37 and had no performance peaks, while fertile strippers made an average of $53 an hour.

Miller links the wage fluctuations to changes in body odor, waist-to-hip ratio, and facial features. Despite operating at the upper limits of flirtatiousness already, he says there may also be subtle shifts in their behavior—"how they talk and move when enticing a customer to buy a dance, and how they perform the dance itself."

This study is great, and sheds a lot of light on the earning potential of strippers. But now I am curious about if there is anything male strippers can do to seem more fertile? Also, this seems to only talk about regular stripping, but what about lap dances? Is this included? I must learn more!

Engrish Was Yes! Part Four

For number-one best t-shirt times, please for looking at pictures!

Once upon a time I lived in Japan. I took pictures of people wearing ridiculous t-shirt slogans. In this series, updated weekly, I will share them with you.

"Swallow in the world, darling, you belong with me, let's get swallowed."

Understood meaning: No

Click For Entire Engrish Was Yes Series

Top 5 Things To Make With Legos

Are you ready to have your mind blown into little Lego pieces? It is time to break out that huge box of Legos (we know you didn't get rid of them) and make something epic. We are sharing the best of the best of the best things you can make out of Legos (Best x 3).

Make Something Huge.

This tower is 100 feet tall! It broke the record for the tallest Lego tower this year by 4 feet.



How Could rolling a giant Lego boulder down the street go wrong? Watch Out Indy!

Make a work of Art.

Nathan Sawaya has made some amazing original sculptures out of Legos. These are amazingly well done, and very creative. He currently has an art show that is touring called "The Art of The Brick." It might be in a town near you.

Re-Make A Work of Art

From album Cover Art to Escher, there are a lot of things to take inspiration from. For more amazing album art covers check out the toy zone.

Make A Video

If you have a camera that will allow you to do stop motion animation, please make a video using Legos. These are only two of some of the best Lego Movies out there.

Make A Model

Taking inspiration from real life, you could make something small and beautiful, like a Wii model, to something massive and awe inspiring like an aircraft carrier.

We hope we inspired you. Now make something, take a picture or make a video of it, send it to us, and become a legend of the Lego.