I Just Won 7.48 Trillion Dollars

Adnan Oktar, a Turkish creationist, has offered ten-trillion lira ($7,480,000,000,000) to "anyone who produces a single intermediate-form fossil demonstrating evolution."

Booya, muthafugga:
That's right, Oktar, it's the Tiktaalik roseae: A fish who's fossil exhibits, according to these scientists (as well as many evolutionary biologists and my thesis), an intermediate forelimb transitioning between fin and limb. Done. End of debate. Evolution happens.

So can we all, as an enlightened and informed society, stop talking about creationism like it has scientific merit? If any other "scientific" hypothesis had been proven wrong in so many ways, on so many levels, for so many reasons, we would have abandoned it long ago. But for some reason, some people still want to teach this utter garbage to children under the guise of science and fairly representing all opinions? Do we show school-children a globe and then explain that some people think that NASA is lying and that the earth is actually flat? No, we don't, because a flat earth is bullshit. Just like creationism.

If you want to teach your children that the earth is 6000 years old and that Jesus rode dinosaurs, that's fine, but do not expect the rest of us to swallow that tripe, or allow you to indoctrinate the nation's children by it's inclusion in the curriculum.

In conclusion: Science and reason: 1. Bronze-age mythology: 0.

Strippers Make More Tips While Fertile

Inspired by the Ig Nobel Prizes last week, I had to find out more about strippers. Apparently they make a lot more money while they are fertile.  But all I could find in the AP was, 

Miller, an associate professor of psychology at the University of New Mexico, and his colleagues knew of prior studies that found women are more attractive to men when at peak fertility. So they took the work one step further — by studying earnings of exotic dancers.

In the 18 subjects Miller studied, average earnings were $250 for a five-hour shift. That jumped to $350 to $400 per five-hour shift when the women were their most fertile, he said.

"I have heard, anecdotally, that some lap dancers have scheduled shifts based on this research," he said.

But this information was not nearly enough. I had to learn more about the majestic stripper. So I continued my search of the Internets, and found that Miller had conducted this study almost a year ago, and barely missed the Ig Nobel Prizes last year.

Fortunately, more of his study was published in Psychology Today in October 2007.

Thanks to Millers difficult research, we learn that strippers made about $70 an hour during their peak period of fertility, versus about $35 while menstruating and $50 in between. Also, strippers on the pill only made an average of $37 and had no performance peaks, while fertile strippers made an average of $53 an hour.

Miller links the wage fluctuations to changes in body odor, waist-to-hip ratio, and facial features. Despite operating at the upper limits of flirtatiousness already, he says there may also be subtle shifts in their behavior—"how they talk and move when enticing a customer to buy a dance, and how they perform the dance itself."

This study is great, and sheds a lot of light on the earning potential of strippers. But now I am curious about if there is anything male strippers can do to seem more fertile? Also, this seems to only talk about regular stripping, but what about lap dances? Is this included? I must learn more!

World's Oldest Seed Makes World's Oldest Man Jealous

Scientists recently grew a palm tree, dubbed "The Methuselah Tree", from a 2000 year old seed. This was surely disappointing news to the world's oldest man, Tomoji Tanabe, who at 113 is a massive 1887 years younger than this amazing seed.

Pictured: Four ancient date seeds and one hit of science-grade acid.

The team of scientists fervently worked to revitalize the seed by treating it with hormone laced fertilizers (this method was also tried with the world's oldest man, with a lesser degree of success) and were able to stimulate the seed to germinate and grow a stunning 1.5m palm tree (is a plant that size technically a shrubbery?). However, there is good news for Mr. Tanabe: according to the researchers "It will be another couple of years before they know whether the plant can bear fruit", while Mr. Tanabe has borne children.


Tanabe, when asked how long he wanted to live on his 112th birthday remarked "for infinity", however he revised his statement this year to "another five years or so". The Methuselah Tree, while unlikely to live for eternity, will almost certainly sustain for at least another five years. But this grudge match isn't over - despite The Methuselah Tree's advantages in both advanced age and robust response to hormone therapy, it lacks the vigor to defend itself from a physical altercation with Tanabe. Hopefully it will be televised on Pay-Per-View. Right: Tanabe subjugates the mayor of his town with a bone-crushing grip.

World's Oldest Person, Edna Parker (115) had no comment on The Methuselah Tree.

Splinter and other Hero Rats Sniff Out Mines in Africa

Thanks to Hamato Yoshi's training of Master Splinter, we all now realize what Rats are capable of. With the right Ninjutsu guidance they can fight crime and save lives.

"Rats saving lives is impossible," you say. Well guess what my friends, there are some real life non-mutagenated rats out there working for the good of the land.

Thanks to a combination of ninjutsu and Pavlovian response training heroRATS are GO!

These heroRATS have been trained to sniff out land mines in Tanzania and Mozambique. The benefits of having a rat locate mines are numerous. For one, they are light enough that when they find a mine and start scratching at the ground for their treat, they do not explode.

The African Giant Pouched Rats are well suited for hunting mines because they are easier to train than dogs, they stay healthy in tropical areas, and they are cheap to breed and raise.

Each heroRAT can use its ninjutsu skills to detect 200 square meters of mines a day. If you want to adopt a heroRAT and name it MASTER SPLINTER, you can do this for a one time donation of 250€ a year. For more information please go to herorat.org

Nudibranchs (Go Ahead, Try and Pronounce It)

It has long been my belief that all the denizens of the ocean are perfectly designed killing machines (yes, even plankton) honed over millions of years of evolution to do nothing but viciously rend asunder any and all terrestrial beings foolish enough to enter their domain.

But then I learned of the gentle, benevolent and beautiful Nudibranch. Oh, wait, they're actually cannibalistic carnivores! Nice work, nature. They're like snails without shells, performing their gas exchanges via billowy gills extending from their bodies. They prowl the deep... er, shallows, looking pretty but hiding a sinister motive: an insatiable hunger for other gastropod flesh. Don't be fooled: a nudibranch wouldn't think twice about eating you and everyone you love (so long as you and your loved ones happen to be aquatic invertebrates the size of a small zucchini).

Behold the stunning but deadly Nudibranch!






Consider yourself warned.

Wind Power Coming To an Urban Area Near You

Wind Power may be coming to an urban area near you thanks to Oregon Wind (especially if you live in Portland).

Oregon Wind is doing Beta testing of its Helyx HE-40 Urban Turbine. Unlike other bulkier wind turbines the Helyx spins on a vertical axis, allowing it to generate power from any direction with wind speeds as little as 5.5 mph.

The Helyx is also quite small, 42" by 18", and could be placed on top of light posts or other urban structures. Its helix shape makes wildlife safety a non-issue, as birds perceive it as a solid, and it looks rad!

In addition to the fact that this urban turbine is creating clean energy, it is also made of recycled materials. The helix-shaped turbine is made of recycled car bumpers, and the base could be made of recycled steel or aluminum.

The Oregon Wind's Helyx HE-40 is not currently available for sale. However, they are testing 22 of these Urban Turbines in 2009. They will be located on the south end of the Portland Mall Light Rail Project, and will feed energy directly into Portland General Electric's grid.

It is estimated that the 22 turbines will generate up to 275 watts and that an individual turbine could put out 40 watts with a 28 mph wind.

The estimated 275 watts equates to about 12.5 watts per turbine, or enough to power one very small LED light. Though this may be a small amount of wattage for a green power generator, the recycled materials that the turbines are made from are purported to last for several decades. At the estimated future price of $1000, it may make long term sense to buy a turbine (or 100) to lock in your electricity rates (they will surely go up).

Was that a person I just hit?

Thanks to this genius patent, gone are the days when you have to question whether you just hit a pedestrian while driving. I feel like I recently heard one Robert Novak say, "I didn’t know I hit him," after he ran over a 66-year-old man.

Well Robert, behold the "Method And Device For Recognition of a Collision With a Pedestrian"

Thanks to the sensors placed on the hood and bumper, the driver will know "with a high probability" that they did in fact just his a pedestrian.

Also, when the sensors are activated a counter above the trip meter tracks your total score based on a combination of your total speed and the weight of the pedestrian (not actually true).

Seriously though, would it not be more helpful to sense the pedestrians before you hit them? Let's see you work on that one!

Better Late Than Never

The Church of England is set to officially apologize to Charles Darwin for "misunderstanding his theory of evolution". Oh, wait, he died over 100 years ago:

"An article to be posted on the Church’s website will say: ‘Charles Darwin, 200 years from your birth [in 1809], the Church of England owes you an apology for misunderstanding you and, by getting our first reaction wrong, encouraging others to misunderstand you still.'"

That's OK, since they've also apologized for trying Galileo as a heretic, the church's role in slavery, and the crusades. Nice work, Church of England; we Evolutionary Biologists are glad to finally have your approval.

Water Bears In Outer Space

A potential cause for a threat down has come to my attention. There are water bears dominating our very own outer spaces. Not only do these beasts thrive in the water, but they can handle zero gravity vacuum conditions while being bombarded with super intense radiation.

Apparently these water bears have skills similar to the delightful "Sea Monkeys." Not only can they survive a long trip in an envelope they can also handle the lonely vacuum of space.

Creature Survives Naked in Space:

"When dehydrated, water bears enter into a dormant state in which the body contracts and metabolism ceases. In this death-like dormant state, water bears manage to maintain the structures in their cells until water is available and they can be active again."